Rainy days set their own moods, and today was a deliciously rainy one. It was just gray and gloomy enough to enhance a melancholy mood. I don't mean a sad and gloomy one, but rather one serious and reflective. I make much of wishing that I had a bubbly personality, but, to tell the truth, I like my temperment. I like to think deeply and to feel empathy and to try to discern the meaning of things. Add a few sad songs to the mix, and I am in a heaven of soulful contemplation that satisfies to the depth of my being. Unfortunately, this is not the sort of thing that makes one the life of the party. But that's ok.
Earlier I was listening to a song about a man who left his father's farm while young, and was looking back at all that happened after that decision. One part of the song says:
"Life was changing around us, I thought I had to follow too, but I'd sure make a world of changes, if I had it all again to do."
I latched onto the part "I'd sure make a world of changes, if I had it all again to do." I would make a lot of changes in life if I could. It's tempting to write a list of things I would change, but I'm not going to. You see, each time this particular song puts me into this mood, I come away with a different list. I guess that's why we don't have the option of having a do-over in life. We'd forever be living in the past and forgetting to live in the present.
When I think about my life, I realize I haven't done everything right. There are deep feelings of guilt and failure when I look back. It doesn't have to be that way. I gave all I had to being the right kind of wife, mom, daughter, and friend. I wasn't perfect, but I did try to live a life of integrity and honor. And by simply changing my focus, I can see all the good and wonderful things in life. A strong and happy marriage, wonderful children and grandchildren, faith in a loving Lord and Savior and a second chance after cancer to make a positive difference in the lives of others. These are all good things, and I will not allow feelings of guilt and failure dominate my thinking any longer. And THAT is the satisfying conclusion to a delicously rainy day's reflections.
