The holiday season begins in earnest with Halloween, and finally starts to wind down with the week leading up to New Year's Day. I know that I am not the only one to grow reflective during this final week of the year, and it seems a little too predictable to write about these reflections. But things are what they are, and I am going to do a little reflective thinking, and a little looking ahead.
When I had a friend help set up this blog, I imagined it would be for random posting about life on the Shaffer "farmstead". I imagined photos of home projects and interesting and "normal" postings about an uneventful and untroubled life. Instead, these past few years have been the hardest years of my life. My heart has been broken time and time again, and I have watched as the hopes and dreams of my young life have shriveled up and died. Thousands upon thousand of tears have been shed. Prayers have been frequently and fervently lifted up. Through most of this testing time, my faith has remained strong and even grown deeply. But, on occasion, it is shaken. I am in a shaky phase right now. While I fully expect to come out of this stronger than ever, walking through a shaky time is not fun. I guess I am just impatient to see the answer to prayers, and when the answers don't come as quickly as I'd like...well, it's hard.
If I had to define this past year in one word it would be Cancer. I'm still not ready to write about the cancer. I mean, really, what can I say that isn't true for all cancer patients? And there are so many whose stories are more compelling than mine. The only thing I am prepared to say is that cancer is not a disease in itself, but rather a symptom. In my case, it was caused by a sickness of the soul. I simply failed to place my full trust in the Lord. Instead, I leaned on my own understanding. Instead of letting go of my disappointments, I dwelt on them and made them much bigger in my mind than they were in life. I made myself sick.
As I am coming out of this season in my life, the question is: what will I do with the lessons it has taught? How will I respond? My hopes and dreams are still "dead", and my heartaches still real. Life will never be what I'd hoped it would be...it cannot be. But that does not mean that all is lost. It doesn't even mean that life is bad. It's just different than what I had expected. Beauty rises out of ashes. Many times, the good that comes from shattered dreams is better than the original dream.
So, my determination for the new year is to go back to the hopes I had when I began this blog. I want to write in it faithfully. I want to include the day to day events of life - the happy and the not-so-happy. I want to read more, write more, laugh more, live more, and worry less. I want to live out my faith. I want to win people to the kingdom of Christ. I want to make an eternal difference in the lives of others. My failures in this department thus far leave me feeling unqualified. But I cannot give into that feeling - it is feelings like that which led to my cancer.
In the days to come, I hope to post a "bucket list". My "dreams" are still taking shape - many of them old ones that I had given up. So bear with me as I wander through this season of life. One thing I will say...whenever I do stop to write, it's melancholy and "preachy", and that's no fun for anyone to read. I'll try to do better....but to do so would be to change my nature completely. I'd like to do that sometimes, but I think it will be as easy to do that as it would be for a tiger to change his stripes.
