Ah, the final day of 2012. It doesn't seem like it should be here already. Not that this past year wasn't long enough. Trust me, it was the longest year of my life. It just doesn't seem like the holiday season should be over quite yet. New Year's signals a new beginning, and I still have the ghost of Christmas past to put away. I haven't finalized my resolutions. I am most definitely not ready to begin teaching again. So, I will be taking the rest of this week to recuperate and get things ready for an orderly beginning of the year.
Today I will begin by taking down the white Christmas tree. I keep it in the bay window of our dining room. Since this is the primary room where my life takes place, getting it back in order will be a big step to normalizing our lives. The kitchen needs attention as well, so I'll piddle around it there as well. Tonight we've been invited to a friend's home to bring in the New Year. Looks like it will be a good day.
I'm looking forward to writing out my "bucket list" (thanks to Sarah L. for getting me hooked on that phrase). So far I only have a few vague ideas and one very definite goal to record. It feels selfish to think about what I want to do for myself, but I think it will be an important step towards getting well.
A couple of weeks ago I picked up a journal called "The Book of ME: A Do-it-Yourself Memoir". It intrigued me as I flipped through it's pages. It asks questions about your life and likes and forces you to stop and think through the things that have made you who you are. I must admit, I am a little afraid to start writing in it. For one thing, my melancholy nature will demand that I keep it neat, and it's not designed to be neat. Second, I'm not comfortable with answering some of these questions. But it will be a good exercise, and should leave something behind for my children to understand who their mom really was.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Friday, December 28, 2012
A Time to Reflect
The holiday season begins in earnest with Halloween, and finally starts to wind down with the week leading up to New Year's Day. I know that I am not the only one to grow reflective during this final week of the year, and it seems a little too predictable to write about these reflections. But things are what they are, and I am going to do a little reflective thinking, and a little looking ahead.
When I had a friend help set up this blog, I imagined it would be for random posting about life on the Shaffer "farmstead". I imagined photos of home projects and interesting and "normal" postings about an uneventful and untroubled life. Instead, these past few years have been the hardest years of my life. My heart has been broken time and time again, and I have watched as the hopes and dreams of my young life have shriveled up and died. Thousands upon thousand of tears have been shed. Prayers have been frequently and fervently lifted up. Through most of this testing time, my faith has remained strong and even grown deeply. But, on occasion, it is shaken. I am in a shaky phase right now. While I fully expect to come out of this stronger than ever, walking through a shaky time is not fun. I guess I am just impatient to see the answer to prayers, and when the answers don't come as quickly as I'd like...well, it's hard.
If I had to define this past year in one word it would be Cancer. I'm still not ready to write about the cancer. I mean, really, what can I say that isn't true for all cancer patients? And there are so many whose stories are more compelling than mine. The only thing I am prepared to say is that cancer is not a disease in itself, but rather a symptom. In my case, it was caused by a sickness of the soul. I simply failed to place my full trust in the Lord. Instead, I leaned on my own understanding. Instead of letting go of my disappointments, I dwelt on them and made them much bigger in my mind than they were in life. I made myself sick.
As I am coming out of this season in my life, the question is: what will I do with the lessons it has taught? How will I respond? My hopes and dreams are still "dead", and my heartaches still real. Life will never be what I'd hoped it would be...it cannot be. But that does not mean that all is lost. It doesn't even mean that life is bad. It's just different than what I had expected. Beauty rises out of ashes. Many times, the good that comes from shattered dreams is better than the original dream.
So, my determination for the new year is to go back to the hopes I had when I began this blog. I want to write in it faithfully. I want to include the day to day events of life - the happy and the not-so-happy. I want to read more, write more, laugh more, live more, and worry less. I want to live out my faith. I want to win people to the kingdom of Christ. I want to make an eternal difference in the lives of others. My failures in this department thus far leave me feeling unqualified. But I cannot give into that feeling - it is feelings like that which led to my cancer.
In the days to come, I hope to post a "bucket list". My "dreams" are still taking shape - many of them old ones that I had given up. So bear with me as I wander through this season of life. One thing I will say...whenever I do stop to write, it's melancholy and "preachy", and that's no fun for anyone to read. I'll try to do better....but to do so would be to change my nature completely. I'd like to do that sometimes, but I think it will be as easy to do that as it would be for a tiger to change his stripes.
When I had a friend help set up this blog, I imagined it would be for random posting about life on the Shaffer "farmstead". I imagined photos of home projects and interesting and "normal" postings about an uneventful and untroubled life. Instead, these past few years have been the hardest years of my life. My heart has been broken time and time again, and I have watched as the hopes and dreams of my young life have shriveled up and died. Thousands upon thousand of tears have been shed. Prayers have been frequently and fervently lifted up. Through most of this testing time, my faith has remained strong and even grown deeply. But, on occasion, it is shaken. I am in a shaky phase right now. While I fully expect to come out of this stronger than ever, walking through a shaky time is not fun. I guess I am just impatient to see the answer to prayers, and when the answers don't come as quickly as I'd like...well, it's hard.
If I had to define this past year in one word it would be Cancer. I'm still not ready to write about the cancer. I mean, really, what can I say that isn't true for all cancer patients? And there are so many whose stories are more compelling than mine. The only thing I am prepared to say is that cancer is not a disease in itself, but rather a symptom. In my case, it was caused by a sickness of the soul. I simply failed to place my full trust in the Lord. Instead, I leaned on my own understanding. Instead of letting go of my disappointments, I dwelt on them and made them much bigger in my mind than they were in life. I made myself sick.
As I am coming out of this season in my life, the question is: what will I do with the lessons it has taught? How will I respond? My hopes and dreams are still "dead", and my heartaches still real. Life will never be what I'd hoped it would be...it cannot be. But that does not mean that all is lost. It doesn't even mean that life is bad. It's just different than what I had expected. Beauty rises out of ashes. Many times, the good that comes from shattered dreams is better than the original dream.
So, my determination for the new year is to go back to the hopes I had when I began this blog. I want to write in it faithfully. I want to include the day to day events of life - the happy and the not-so-happy. I want to read more, write more, laugh more, live more, and worry less. I want to live out my faith. I want to win people to the kingdom of Christ. I want to make an eternal difference in the lives of others. My failures in this department thus far leave me feeling unqualified. But I cannot give into that feeling - it is feelings like that which led to my cancer.
In the days to come, I hope to post a "bucket list". My "dreams" are still taking shape - many of them old ones that I had given up. So bear with me as I wander through this season of life. One thing I will say...whenever I do stop to write, it's melancholy and "preachy", and that's no fun for anyone to read. I'll try to do better....but to do so would be to change my nature completely. I'd like to do that sometimes, but I think it will be as easy to do that as it would be for a tiger to change his stripes.
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