How do you start writing in your blog when you've skipped so many weeks? I'm not sure. Nevertheless, I intend to start again and will just plunge right in. I have been busy with homeschooling my two youngest children. So far so good. The main problem I have is that these two are so very different in how they learn....but we're working our way through it. Rebekah and Rachel are both in college and working, so they stay busy. I am so glad that I am able to keep Khy while his mama is in school. He is a such a good little baby. Jesse and Kathy are days away from becoming parents, and I will have my first granddaughter. I can't wait for little Savannah to be born. It's funny to think of my children as parents, and Eric and I as grandparents. It's a good thing, and I love it. Eric is doing well, keeping busy with work and keeping up our home and land. He loves to play his bass, and has had the opportunity to play a couple of times in the last few weeks.

I have been sorting through things in the house and taking things to the thrift store. We have so much more than we need, and I am determined to get things back to a workable level. It is so wonderful to have my energy level back up. I can get so much more done. It's a good thing.

This year's garden was the worst I have ever had. I never finished planting it, and didn't work it at all. It is really humbling. I had planned the garden out to the exact detail last fall, and spent the winter bragging about how good it would be. I spent a fortune setting up the black plastic and buying seed and seedlings. I worked really hard to get it planted, until I got so sick in the spring (three weeks down hard - some days not even able to get up and do anything more than the bare minimum). I lost heart. But hope springs eternal, and I find myself looking forward to a better year next year. A week ago I stopped by Lowes and discovered blueberry bushes for sale. I want to buy a couple to replace the bushes Jesse planted for me last spring. They died in the summer heat.

The chickens are grown now and laying eggs. Sara is my egg gatherer. She loves it. My flock has dwindled. I had one die while they were still in the garage. Four more have died in the yard. A couple in the last week. We think an owl got them. Eric reworked the chicken run, so we hope to save the lives of the remaining birds. I will buy pullets again next spring.

Old fashioned day is coming up quickly. I am beginning to think I may not get the prairie dresses made after all. I guess I just have to decide to do it. I'm trying to do too many things I guess - again going back to having energy again.

Well, this is enough for tonight. Nothing outstanding, but it is a start. Hopefully there will not be such a long time in between postings from now on.

A Return

Once again, I have let months pass without posting an update. Mostly because I am too unwilling to take the time to compose a well-written article. I've poured my heart out on facebook, but that takes moments, and the feedback is immediate and satisfying. I am, however, making another attempt at keeping this blog going.
So what's been going on in my life? Just a quick overview tonight (it is late, and I will want to try to get back to sleep soon).

A wedding - Rebekah and Joe got married in April. It was a wonderful affair, and I cannot think of it without joy. I miss Rebekah and Khy, but I am filled with joy as I see them in their new life. It's a good thing.

Rachel moves out - bittersweet. I miss my girl, but I'm proud of the apartment she has put together and her work ethic that leads her to constantly try to improve her life.

Ben moves into Rachel's old room - We redid the room in bold colors - red, black, white and gray. I'd found the color scheme on-line, and really liked it for the colors he had picked out. When it was done, we realized it was the Alabama colors. Good thing he's an Alabama fan. We painted his furniture black, and put a lot of detail work into it. Some things you're just glad you were able to do. His room is one of those things. He loves it, and more importantly, he appreciates it and keeps it looking good.

We got to reclaim the sun room - The sun room is my sitting room. It was painted a light peachy/tan color, and blue valances were put on the window. It has the computer table in it, along with three book shelves and a large blue chair. Very peaceful and satisfying.

Rebekah's old room was claimed as a guest room/chemo recovery room. It was painted brown, and has a full size four poster bed. An antique Singer sewing machine sits in there, as does another antique table and a not so antique rocking chair. Eric was very gracious to me...it was to be his office.

And the big return - my cancer. A five centimeter tumor was removed in May. I'm taking four rounds of ixempra, and then will have seven weeks of radiation. This is not a good thing, but somehow I am not down hearted about it. I'll do what I have to do to get well, and enjoy life while I have it. In one way, cancer is a good thing. It puts life in perspective.

So we are up-to-date. I'll do my best to keep this going. No promises.

A Little of This and That

I have to smile when I read my last post. That was written at the beginning of a stretch of rainy weather than wore even the hardiest souls down. I feel certain that it rained for at least 10 days in a row. That's not so bad in itself, but here in the heart of Dixie we don't have real dirt. A nasty red clay covers the ground masquerading as dirt. Most of the time it's tolerable. But when it rains and rains and rains, the clay turns into a sloppy, nasty, squishy mess. Even that is not so bad, unless you have as many drivers as we do. We have more cars than driveway, and we park in our yard. I know that makes us sound like a neighbor you want to avoid, but we live out in the middle of a field with only one family to view our parking habits, and they don't mind. But back to my story. When it rains for days on end, our yard turns into a lake/swamp and parking in the yard is not a smart idea. During those times we HAVE to find a way to make all the cars and our fifteen passenger van fit into the driveway...and it works for the most part. Making it work, however, makes me grumpy. I'm glad the rain finally ended.

Eric's birthday was last Wednesday, but we celebrated it Sunday afternoon so most of the family could be here. I love having everyone over! We had lasagna, garlic bread sticks, and salad for lunch. Sara made a chocolate sponge cake which turned out very well. I love it when Jesse and his family come over. Savanna comes in and excitedly runs to whoever she sees first, calling out "nanny" or "poppie" depending on who it is. She'll jump up into our arms and kiss us....makes life worthwhile. Later we played a trick on mommie, hiding under a blanket so she wouldn't see us. Savanna just laughed and laughed as mommie looked for us and couldn't find us =) Jeremiah has grown so much since Christmas, and he has a smile that lights up the room. It won't be much longer before he joins Savanna and Khy in their play. It's good to be a grandma.

We are getting into serious wedding planning. Saturday, Rebekah and I went shopping for wedding supplies. We were able to buy the guest book, invitations and flowers for the bridesmaid bouquets for 50% off. Her colors are royal blue and yellow, and she was able to find artificial roses in a lighter blue and yellow color. She made the bouquets last night, and I must say they look very nice. There is still so much to do...but it will all come together. I'm getting excited. But I will miss Rebekah  and Khy very much. Maybe Joe could just move in with us after they are married =)

I'm not making a dent in my bucket list. It's so easy to sit and rattle off a list of grand ideas, but the day to day effort needed to make it happen is a little harder. I started working on my 4 x 8 garden boxes before the rain began, and I haven't touched them since. I've thought about bringing them into the house to finish painting. It's time to start plants indoors, and I haven't started that either. All in good time, I guess. It will be no great tragedy if I don't get it done, and not getting a wedding pulled together will be. I don't think I even put the wedding on my bucket list. Silly me.

A Rainy Day's Reflections

Rainy days set their own moods, and today was a deliciously rainy one. It was just gray and gloomy enough to enhance a melancholy mood. I don't mean a sad and gloomy one, but rather one serious and reflective. I make much of wishing that I had a bubbly personality, but, to tell the truth, I like my temperment. I like to think deeply and to feel empathy and to try to discern the meaning of things. Add a few sad songs to the mix, and I am in a heaven of soulful contemplation that satisfies to the depth of my being. Unfortunately, this is not the sort of thing that makes one the life of the party. But that's ok.

Earlier I was listening to a song about a man who left his father's farm while young, and was looking back at all that happened after that decision. One part of the song says:

      "Life was changing around us, I thought I had to follow too, but I'd sure make a world of changes, if I had it all again to do."

I latched onto the part "I'd sure make a world of changes, if I had it all again to do." I would make a lot of changes in life if I could. It's tempting to write a list of things I would change, but I'm not going to. You see, each time this particular song puts me into this mood, I come away with a different list. I guess that's why we don't have the option of having a do-over in life. We'd forever be living in the past and forgetting to live in the present.

When I think about my life, I realize I haven't done everything right. There are deep feelings of guilt and failure when I look back. It doesn't have to be that way. I gave all I had to being the right kind of wife, mom, daughter, and friend. I wasn't perfect, but I did try to live a life of integrity and honor. And by simply changing my focus, I can see all the good and wonderful things in life. A strong and happy marriage, wonderful children and grandchildren, faith in a loving Lord and Savior and a second chance after cancer to make a positive difference in the lives of others. These are all good things, and I will not allow feelings of guilt and failure dominate my thinking any longer. And THAT is the satisfying conclusion to a delicously rainy day's reflections.

School's back in session in the Shaffer household. It's hard to get into a routine, and more so when you aren't quite ready for it. I seldom feel ready for anything, and I think it's because I want to do everything, and thus do nothing. I've made many resolutions to solve this character flaw, but they never worked, and I'm getting old. I think this will be the story of my life.

I promised a bucket list, and I have worked on compiling one. Here is the short list of things I want to do this year.

Appearance

I want to wear more skirts, and, dare I say it, I want to wear the dreaded jumper. Not all the time, but sometimes. There's more to life than jeans.

I have to decide about hair length. With one exception, I've kept my hair shoulder length or longer all my life. Of course, with chemo, I lost my hair. It was hard at first, but you grow accustomed to being bald. Grooming is so much easier without hair =). Now that it's growing back I find that I like the way it looks in a shorter style. I may keep it short.


Health

Cancer - don't want to give it an opportunity to come back by living an unhealthy lifestyle.
Diabetes - my next big challenge.
Weight loss, exercise, applying all I know about healthy diet.
Keeping my mental outlook positive. I believe I made myself sick with worry and grief, and giving in to sorrow did nothing to improve any of the things that worried. me.


Christian Ministry

I find as I grow older that I regret not getting involved in ministry. To be sure, I've been faithful in church attendance, and I've kept my own soul fed. But I've not poured myself into the lives of others. I want to serve. I want to make a difference.


Homesteading

I have to smile at this. I don't really have a "homestead", but I like to do homesteady type things, just to say I did. I would never try to live a true homesteading lifestyle (too citified I guess). So, here goes:

Sewing: finish the two quilts I have started - perhaps start another one; make a sundress for my granddaughter Savanna, and shorts for my grandsons Jeremiah and Khy; make one or more aprons.

Canning: put up food from the garden; buy or make a shelf for my canned goods; make homemade sauerkraut -  just to say I did it.

Gardening: build, paint and put in six 4 x 8 raised bed boxes; plant blueberries, put in trellis for grapes, start some seedling inside

Orchard: keep up with the spraying schedule; fertilize peach trees; perhaps plant two plum trees, and two apple trees. Or perhaps just learn to be content buying fruit from Scott's orchard.

Kitchen: make bread on a more regular basis; make cheese (at least once, just to say I did it).

General: dip candles - again, just to say I did it; make soap - I've done this before, and would like to perfect it.


Homeschooling

Take a good look at where we are and where we want to go. I've homeschooled most of my life. I have to say I'm ready for a break. But I don't have much longer to go. I'd like to finish well.


Writing

This is what I want most to do (along with ministry), and it is the one thing that frightens me the most. I believe I could do a good job, if only I had some inspiration.


Well, that's enough to keep anyone busy, and it just scratches the surface. Most of these things I "resolve" to do with each new year. I just keep plugging away at the same old things, hoping someday to have finished the list and perfected my skills. One thing is sure, while my friends have moved on and developed new skills and interests, I remain the same.

New Year's Eve

Ah, the final day of 2012. It doesn't seem like it should be here already. Not that this past year wasn't long enough. Trust me, it was the longest year of my life. It just doesn't seem like the holiday season should be over quite yet. New Year's signals a new beginning, and I still have the ghost of Christmas past to put away. I haven't finalized my resolutions. I am most definitely not ready to begin teaching again. So, I will be taking the rest of this week to recuperate and get things ready for an orderly beginning of the year.

Today I will begin by taking down the white Christmas tree. I keep it in the bay window of our dining room. Since this is the primary room where my life takes place, getting it back in order will be a big step to normalizing our lives. The kitchen needs attention as well, so I'll piddle around it there as well. Tonight we've been invited to a friend's home to bring in the New Year. Looks like it will be a good day.

I'm looking forward to writing out my "bucket list" (thanks to Sarah L. for getting me hooked on that phrase). So far I only have a few vague ideas and one very definite goal to record. It feels selfish to think about what I want to do for myself, but I think it will be an important step towards getting well.

A couple of weeks ago I picked up a journal called "The Book of ME: A Do-it-Yourself Memoir". It intrigued me as I flipped through it's pages. It asks questions about your life and likes and forces you to stop and think through the things that have made you who you are. I must admit, I am a little afraid to start writing in it. For one thing, my melancholy nature will demand that I keep it neat, and it's not designed to be neat. Second, I'm not comfortable with answering some of these questions. But it will be a good exercise, and should leave something behind for my children to understand who their mom really was.

A Time to Reflect

The holiday season begins in earnest with Halloween, and finally starts to wind down with the week leading up to New Year's Day. I know that I am not the only one to grow reflective during this final week of the year, and it seems a little too predictable to write about these reflections. But things are what they are, and I am going to do a little reflective thinking, and a little looking ahead.

When I had a friend help set up this blog, I imagined it would be for random posting about life on the Shaffer "farmstead". I imagined photos of home projects and interesting and "normal" postings about an uneventful and untroubled life. Instead, these past few years have been the hardest years of my life. My heart has been broken time and time again, and I have watched as the hopes and dreams of my young life have shriveled up and died. Thousands upon thousand of tears have been shed. Prayers have been frequently and fervently lifted up. Through most of this testing time, my faith has remained strong and even grown deeply. But, on occasion, it is shaken. I am in a shaky phase right now. While I fully expect to come out of this stronger than ever, walking through a shaky time is not fun. I guess I am just impatient to see the answer to prayers, and when the answers don't come as quickly as I'd like...well, it's hard.

If I had to define this past year in one word it would be Cancer. I'm still not ready to write about the cancer. I mean, really, what can I say that isn't true for all cancer patients? And there are so many whose stories are more compelling than mine. The only thing I am prepared to say is that cancer is not a disease in itself, but rather a symptom. In my case, it was caused by a sickness of the soul. I simply failed to place my full trust in the Lord. Instead, I leaned on my own understanding. Instead of letting go of my disappointments, I dwelt on them and made them much bigger in my mind than they were in life. I made myself sick.

As I am coming out of this season in my life, the question is: what will I do with the lessons it has taught? How will I respond? My hopes and dreams are still "dead", and my heartaches still real. Life will never be what I'd hoped it would be...it cannot be. But that does not mean that all is lost. It doesn't even mean that life is bad. It's just different than what I had expected. Beauty rises out of ashes. Many times, the good that comes from shattered dreams is better than the original dream.

So, my determination for the new year is to go back to the hopes I had when I began this blog. I want to write in it faithfully. I want to include the day to day events of life - the happy and the not-so-happy. I want to read more, write more, laugh more, live more, and worry less. I want to live out my faith. I want to win people to the kingdom of Christ. I want to make an eternal difference in the lives of others. My failures in this department thus far leave me feeling unqualified. But I cannot give into that feeling - it is feelings like that which led to my cancer.

In the days to come, I hope to post a "bucket list". My "dreams" are still taking shape - many of them old ones that I had given up. So bear with me as I wander through this season of life. One thing I will say...whenever I do stop to write, it's melancholy and "preachy", and that's no fun for anyone to read. I'll try to do better....but to do so would be to change my nature completely. I'd like to do that sometimes, but I think it will be as easy to do that as it would be for a tiger to change his stripes.