Rainy days set their own moods, and today was a deliciously rainy one. It was just gray and gloomy enough to enhance a melancholy mood. I don't mean a sad and gloomy one, but rather one serious and reflective. I make much of wishing that I had a bubbly personality, but, to tell the truth, I like my temperment. I like to think deeply and to feel empathy and to try to discern the meaning of things. Add a few sad songs to the mix, and I am in a heaven of soulful contemplation that satisfies to the depth of my being. Unfortunately, this is not the sort of thing that makes one the life of the party. But that's ok.
Earlier I was listening to a song about a man who left his father's farm while young, and was looking back at all that happened after that decision. One part of the song says:
"Life was changing around us, I thought I had to follow too, but I'd sure make a world of changes, if I had it all again to do."
I latched onto the part "I'd sure make a world of changes, if I had it all again to do." I would make a lot of changes in life if I could. It's tempting to write a list of things I would change, but I'm not going to. You see, each time this particular song puts me into this mood, I come away with a different list. I guess that's why we don't have the option of having a do-over in life. We'd forever be living in the past and forgetting to live in the present.
When I think about my life, I realize I haven't done everything right. There are deep feelings of guilt and failure when I look back. It doesn't have to be that way. I gave all I had to being the right kind of wife, mom, daughter, and friend. I wasn't perfect, but I did try to live a life of integrity and honor. And by simply changing my focus, I can see all the good and wonderful things in life. A strong and happy marriage, wonderful children and grandchildren, faith in a loving Lord and Savior and a second chance after cancer to make a positive difference in the lives of others. These are all good things, and I will not allow feelings of guilt and failure dominate my thinking any longer. And THAT is the satisfying conclusion to a delicously rainy day's reflections.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
School's back in session in the Shaffer household. It's hard to get into a routine, and more so when you aren't quite ready for it. I seldom feel ready for anything, and I think it's because I want to do everything, and thus do nothing. I've made many resolutions to solve this character flaw, but they never worked, and I'm getting old. I think this will be the story of my life.
I promised a bucket list, and I have worked on compiling one. Here is the short list of things I want to do this year.
Appearance
I want to wear more skirts, and, dare I say it, I want to wear the dreaded jumper. Not all the time, but sometimes. There's more to life than jeans.
I have to decide about hair length. With one exception, I've kept my hair shoulder length or longer all my life. Of course, with chemo, I lost my hair. It was hard at first, but you grow accustomed to being bald. Grooming is so much easier without hair =). Now that it's growing back I find that I like the way it looks in a shorter style. I may keep it short.
Health
Cancer - don't want to give it an opportunity to come back by living an unhealthy lifestyle.
Diabetes - my next big challenge.
Weight loss, exercise, applying all I know about healthy diet.
Keeping my mental outlook positive. I believe I made myself sick with worry and grief, and giving in to sorrow did nothing to improve any of the things that worried. me.
Christian Ministry
I find as I grow older that I regret not getting involved in ministry. To be sure, I've been faithful in church attendance, and I've kept my own soul fed. But I've not poured myself into the lives of others. I want to serve. I want to make a difference.
Homesteading
I have to smile at this. I don't really have a "homestead", but I like to do homesteady type things, just to say I did. I would never try to live a true homesteading lifestyle (too citified I guess). So, here goes:
Sewing: finish the two quilts I have started - perhaps start another one; make a sundress for my granddaughter Savanna, and shorts for my grandsons Jeremiah and Khy; make one or more aprons.
Canning: put up food from the garden; buy or make a shelf for my canned goods; make homemade sauerkraut - just to say I did it.
Gardening: build, paint and put in six 4 x 8 raised bed boxes; plant blueberries, put in trellis for grapes, start some seedling inside
Orchard: keep up with the spraying schedule; fertilize peach trees; perhaps plant two plum trees, and two apple trees. Or perhaps just learn to be content buying fruit from Scott's orchard.
Kitchen: make bread on a more regular basis; make cheese (at least once, just to say I did it).
General: dip candles - again, just to say I did it; make soap - I've done this before, and would like to perfect it.
Homeschooling
Take a good look at where we are and where we want to go. I've homeschooled most of my life. I have to say I'm ready for a break. But I don't have much longer to go. I'd like to finish well.
Writing
This is what I want most to do (along with ministry), and it is the one thing that frightens me the most. I believe I could do a good job, if only I had some inspiration.
Well, that's enough to keep anyone busy, and it just scratches the surface. Most of these things I "resolve" to do with each new year. I just keep plugging away at the same old things, hoping someday to have finished the list and perfected my skills. One thing is sure, while my friends have moved on and developed new skills and interests, I remain the same.
I promised a bucket list, and I have worked on compiling one. Here is the short list of things I want to do this year.
Appearance
I want to wear more skirts, and, dare I say it, I want to wear the dreaded jumper. Not all the time, but sometimes. There's more to life than jeans.
I have to decide about hair length. With one exception, I've kept my hair shoulder length or longer all my life. Of course, with chemo, I lost my hair. It was hard at first, but you grow accustomed to being bald. Grooming is so much easier without hair =). Now that it's growing back I find that I like the way it looks in a shorter style. I may keep it short.
Health
Cancer - don't want to give it an opportunity to come back by living an unhealthy lifestyle.
Diabetes - my next big challenge.
Weight loss, exercise, applying all I know about healthy diet.
Keeping my mental outlook positive. I believe I made myself sick with worry and grief, and giving in to sorrow did nothing to improve any of the things that worried. me.
Christian Ministry
I find as I grow older that I regret not getting involved in ministry. To be sure, I've been faithful in church attendance, and I've kept my own soul fed. But I've not poured myself into the lives of others. I want to serve. I want to make a difference.
Homesteading
I have to smile at this. I don't really have a "homestead", but I like to do homesteady type things, just to say I did. I would never try to live a true homesteading lifestyle (too citified I guess). So, here goes:
Sewing: finish the two quilts I have started - perhaps start another one; make a sundress for my granddaughter Savanna, and shorts for my grandsons Jeremiah and Khy; make one or more aprons.
Canning: put up food from the garden; buy or make a shelf for my canned goods; make homemade sauerkraut - just to say I did it.
Gardening: build, paint and put in six 4 x 8 raised bed boxes; plant blueberries, put in trellis for grapes, start some seedling inside
Orchard: keep up with the spraying schedule; fertilize peach trees; perhaps plant two plum trees, and two apple trees. Or perhaps just learn to be content buying fruit from Scott's orchard.
Kitchen: make bread on a more regular basis; make cheese (at least once, just to say I did it).
General: dip candles - again, just to say I did it; make soap - I've done this before, and would like to perfect it.
Homeschooling
Take a good look at where we are and where we want to go. I've homeschooled most of my life. I have to say I'm ready for a break. But I don't have much longer to go. I'd like to finish well.
Writing
This is what I want most to do (along with ministry), and it is the one thing that frightens me the most. I believe I could do a good job, if only I had some inspiration.
Well, that's enough to keep anyone busy, and it just scratches the surface. Most of these things I "resolve" to do with each new year. I just keep plugging away at the same old things, hoping someday to have finished the list and perfected my skills. One thing is sure, while my friends have moved on and developed new skills and interests, I remain the same.
Monday, December 31, 2012
New Year's Eve
Ah, the final day of 2012. It doesn't seem like it should be here already. Not that this past year wasn't long enough. Trust me, it was the longest year of my life. It just doesn't seem like the holiday season should be over quite yet. New Year's signals a new beginning, and I still have the ghost of Christmas past to put away. I haven't finalized my resolutions. I am most definitely not ready to begin teaching again. So, I will be taking the rest of this week to recuperate and get things ready for an orderly beginning of the year.
Today I will begin by taking down the white Christmas tree. I keep it in the bay window of our dining room. Since this is the primary room where my life takes place, getting it back in order will be a big step to normalizing our lives. The kitchen needs attention as well, so I'll piddle around it there as well. Tonight we've been invited to a friend's home to bring in the New Year. Looks like it will be a good day.
I'm looking forward to writing out my "bucket list" (thanks to Sarah L. for getting me hooked on that phrase). So far I only have a few vague ideas and one very definite goal to record. It feels selfish to think about what I want to do for myself, but I think it will be an important step towards getting well.
A couple of weeks ago I picked up a journal called "The Book of ME: A Do-it-Yourself Memoir". It intrigued me as I flipped through it's pages. It asks questions about your life and likes and forces you to stop and think through the things that have made you who you are. I must admit, I am a little afraid to start writing in it. For one thing, my melancholy nature will demand that I keep it neat, and it's not designed to be neat. Second, I'm not comfortable with answering some of these questions. But it will be a good exercise, and should leave something behind for my children to understand who their mom really was.
Today I will begin by taking down the white Christmas tree. I keep it in the bay window of our dining room. Since this is the primary room where my life takes place, getting it back in order will be a big step to normalizing our lives. The kitchen needs attention as well, so I'll piddle around it there as well. Tonight we've been invited to a friend's home to bring in the New Year. Looks like it will be a good day.
I'm looking forward to writing out my "bucket list" (thanks to Sarah L. for getting me hooked on that phrase). So far I only have a few vague ideas and one very definite goal to record. It feels selfish to think about what I want to do for myself, but I think it will be an important step towards getting well.
A couple of weeks ago I picked up a journal called "The Book of ME: A Do-it-Yourself Memoir". It intrigued me as I flipped through it's pages. It asks questions about your life and likes and forces you to stop and think through the things that have made you who you are. I must admit, I am a little afraid to start writing in it. For one thing, my melancholy nature will demand that I keep it neat, and it's not designed to be neat. Second, I'm not comfortable with answering some of these questions. But it will be a good exercise, and should leave something behind for my children to understand who their mom really was.
Friday, December 28, 2012
A Time to Reflect
The holiday season begins in earnest with Halloween, and finally starts to wind down with the week leading up to New Year's Day. I know that I am not the only one to grow reflective during this final week of the year, and it seems a little too predictable to write about these reflections. But things are what they are, and I am going to do a little reflective thinking, and a little looking ahead.
When I had a friend help set up this blog, I imagined it would be for random posting about life on the Shaffer "farmstead". I imagined photos of home projects and interesting and "normal" postings about an uneventful and untroubled life. Instead, these past few years have been the hardest years of my life. My heart has been broken time and time again, and I have watched as the hopes and dreams of my young life have shriveled up and died. Thousands upon thousand of tears have been shed. Prayers have been frequently and fervently lifted up. Through most of this testing time, my faith has remained strong and even grown deeply. But, on occasion, it is shaken. I am in a shaky phase right now. While I fully expect to come out of this stronger than ever, walking through a shaky time is not fun. I guess I am just impatient to see the answer to prayers, and when the answers don't come as quickly as I'd like...well, it's hard.
If I had to define this past year in one word it would be Cancer. I'm still not ready to write about the cancer. I mean, really, what can I say that isn't true for all cancer patients? And there are so many whose stories are more compelling than mine. The only thing I am prepared to say is that cancer is not a disease in itself, but rather a symptom. In my case, it was caused by a sickness of the soul. I simply failed to place my full trust in the Lord. Instead, I leaned on my own understanding. Instead of letting go of my disappointments, I dwelt on them and made them much bigger in my mind than they were in life. I made myself sick.
As I am coming out of this season in my life, the question is: what will I do with the lessons it has taught? How will I respond? My hopes and dreams are still "dead", and my heartaches still real. Life will never be what I'd hoped it would be...it cannot be. But that does not mean that all is lost. It doesn't even mean that life is bad. It's just different than what I had expected. Beauty rises out of ashes. Many times, the good that comes from shattered dreams is better than the original dream.
So, my determination for the new year is to go back to the hopes I had when I began this blog. I want to write in it faithfully. I want to include the day to day events of life - the happy and the not-so-happy. I want to read more, write more, laugh more, live more, and worry less. I want to live out my faith. I want to win people to the kingdom of Christ. I want to make an eternal difference in the lives of others. My failures in this department thus far leave me feeling unqualified. But I cannot give into that feeling - it is feelings like that which led to my cancer.
In the days to come, I hope to post a "bucket list". My "dreams" are still taking shape - many of them old ones that I had given up. So bear with me as I wander through this season of life. One thing I will say...whenever I do stop to write, it's melancholy and "preachy", and that's no fun for anyone to read. I'll try to do better....but to do so would be to change my nature completely. I'd like to do that sometimes, but I think it will be as easy to do that as it would be for a tiger to change his stripes.
When I had a friend help set up this blog, I imagined it would be for random posting about life on the Shaffer "farmstead". I imagined photos of home projects and interesting and "normal" postings about an uneventful and untroubled life. Instead, these past few years have been the hardest years of my life. My heart has been broken time and time again, and I have watched as the hopes and dreams of my young life have shriveled up and died. Thousands upon thousand of tears have been shed. Prayers have been frequently and fervently lifted up. Through most of this testing time, my faith has remained strong and even grown deeply. But, on occasion, it is shaken. I am in a shaky phase right now. While I fully expect to come out of this stronger than ever, walking through a shaky time is not fun. I guess I am just impatient to see the answer to prayers, and when the answers don't come as quickly as I'd like...well, it's hard.
If I had to define this past year in one word it would be Cancer. I'm still not ready to write about the cancer. I mean, really, what can I say that isn't true for all cancer patients? And there are so many whose stories are more compelling than mine. The only thing I am prepared to say is that cancer is not a disease in itself, but rather a symptom. In my case, it was caused by a sickness of the soul. I simply failed to place my full trust in the Lord. Instead, I leaned on my own understanding. Instead of letting go of my disappointments, I dwelt on them and made them much bigger in my mind than they were in life. I made myself sick.
As I am coming out of this season in my life, the question is: what will I do with the lessons it has taught? How will I respond? My hopes and dreams are still "dead", and my heartaches still real. Life will never be what I'd hoped it would be...it cannot be. But that does not mean that all is lost. It doesn't even mean that life is bad. It's just different than what I had expected. Beauty rises out of ashes. Many times, the good that comes from shattered dreams is better than the original dream.
So, my determination for the new year is to go back to the hopes I had when I began this blog. I want to write in it faithfully. I want to include the day to day events of life - the happy and the not-so-happy. I want to read more, write more, laugh more, live more, and worry less. I want to live out my faith. I want to win people to the kingdom of Christ. I want to make an eternal difference in the lives of others. My failures in this department thus far leave me feeling unqualified. But I cannot give into that feeling - it is feelings like that which led to my cancer.
In the days to come, I hope to post a "bucket list". My "dreams" are still taking shape - many of them old ones that I had given up. So bear with me as I wander through this season of life. One thing I will say...whenever I do stop to write, it's melancholy and "preachy", and that's no fun for anyone to read. I'll try to do better....but to do so would be to change my nature completely. I'd like to do that sometimes, but I think it will be as easy to do that as it would be for a tiger to change his stripes.
Friday, November 2, 2012
A Snapshot in Time
Halloween has come and gone, and with it's passing there is a small sigh of relief before the
madness that accompanies the Christmas season begins. I, for one, refuse to decorate for Christmas before Thanksgiving. Each year it seems that people rush the holidays a little more. It's like we try adding so much to them that we have to make the celebrations last a lot longer than they did in former years. I guess I'm getting old, but I want to let each one have it's own true time.
We were able to have two of my children's friends spend a few days with us this past week. Family friends who have moved to the Dominican Republic as missionaries came home for their oldest daughter's wedding. My Ben and Sara were delighted to be able to visit with their Ben and Heidi (yes, it does get a little confusing with two Bens in the house =). They were able to hang out with each other for Old Fashioned Sunday, the Shaffer family Halloween shindig, a late night movie date to see Brave (now in the dollar theatres), trunk or treat at my husband's office, and trunk or treat at Friendship Baptist. They even got to squeeze in some normal hang around the house and be bored moments too. I'm so glad they got to come.
I had my first three month appointment with Dr. Kingsley (affectionately known as chemo doc). Everything looks good. I'm feeling better all the time, and I guess I'm looking better too. At least folks say I am. For my part, I am always surprised to see myself in photos. My hair, which looks to full in the mirror, seems to scare in photos...it's all a part of the journey of cancer.
We had our family Halloween Sunday evening (no church scheduled that night). It was fun, but hectic. Burritos were served, candy was goobled up, and an attempt at watching the Ghost and Mr. Chicken was made. Pumpkins were carved, and photos posted on fb. Jesse and Kathy won the "contest" for best pumpkin, and Joe came in second. It was silly, but fun.
I'm going to attempt to post a few photos from this week. Hope it works =)
Nope, can't do it until I have someone smarter than me show me how. Sigh.
madness that accompanies the Christmas season begins. I, for one, refuse to decorate for Christmas before Thanksgiving. Each year it seems that people rush the holidays a little more. It's like we try adding so much to them that we have to make the celebrations last a lot longer than they did in former years. I guess I'm getting old, but I want to let each one have it's own true time.
We were able to have two of my children's friends spend a few days with us this past week. Family friends who have moved to the Dominican Republic as missionaries came home for their oldest daughter's wedding. My Ben and Sara were delighted to be able to visit with their Ben and Heidi (yes, it does get a little confusing with two Bens in the house =). They were able to hang out with each other for Old Fashioned Sunday, the Shaffer family Halloween shindig, a late night movie date to see Brave (now in the dollar theatres), trunk or treat at my husband's office, and trunk or treat at Friendship Baptist. They even got to squeeze in some normal hang around the house and be bored moments too. I'm so glad they got to come.
I had my first three month appointment with Dr. Kingsley (affectionately known as chemo doc). Everything looks good. I'm feeling better all the time, and I guess I'm looking better too. At least folks say I am. For my part, I am always surprised to see myself in photos. My hair, which looks to full in the mirror, seems to scare in photos...it's all a part of the journey of cancer.
We had our family Halloween Sunday evening (no church scheduled that night). It was fun, but hectic. Burritos were served, candy was goobled up, and an attempt at watching the Ghost and Mr. Chicken was made. Pumpkins were carved, and photos posted on fb. Jesse and Kathy won the "contest" for best pumpkin, and Joe came in second. It was silly, but fun.
I'm going to attempt to post a few photos from this week. Hope it works =)
Nope, can't do it until I have someone smarter than me show me how. Sigh.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
A Little of This and That
It's been over a year since I last posted, and what a year it has been. Last October, I found a lump in my left breast. I scarely gave it any thought at first, thinking that it was just a cyst that would drain on it's own. Cancer did not enter my mind, not even for a moment. A couple of weeks later, almost as an afterthought, I checked again, and the lump was still there. This time I had a slight sense of foreboding, enough to mention it to my husband. He is the one who made my doctor's appointment and made me promise to keep it. Long story short, it was cancer, and a bad variety of it. Triple negative. This began a round of doctor's visits, surgery, chemo, etc. Someday I will write more about those days, but not now. I might even post a photo or two of my bald head, but I'll have to relearn how to post photos to do that. This is just an attempt to restart my blog and in doing that, restart my dreams.
All has not been bad since my last posting. Last July, Jesse and Kathy had a precious baby boy. Jeremiah Daniel Shaffer by name, and he came into the world with a head full of beautiful black hair just like his daddy did before him. He is the good that came into our family just as I finished my last round of chemo. We love him so much! Savanna is a good big sister and loves him dearly. Speaking of Savanna, she has grown into such a sweet little girl (no longer a baby). One of my favorite things in the world is to hear the back door open and a sweet little voice call out "nanny, nanny".
Rebekah has good news of her own. She met a nice young man a while back, and over the course of time they fell in love and are now engaged. His name is Joe Patterson, and he fits into the family very nicely indeed. They are planning a spring wedding.
Khy is growing like a weed. He is talking so plain now, and is at a really fun age. I love to hear him call me granma. He's into dragons right now, and there is always a dragon about the house, just waiting to be chased or hidden from.
Speaking of growing, Ben has been taller than me by a foot for a long time. He's growing into a fine young man, and I'm proud of him. He has been my protector over the past year, often lingering behind the others and walking with me, offering his help and just making sure that I am ok. He still doesn't like my chickens, though.
Sara has blossemed into a beautiful young lady. She is taking a cooking class with a dear friend, and has turned into a better cook than her mama.
Rachel is still as creative as ever. She works for Sephora and does some photography on the side. She has such a God-given eye for seeing the beauty in every day things.
Eric has been my rock and strength during the past year or so. They say it's hard on the patient, but I think it's harder on the caregiver. He had to take care of me, take care of the responsiblities I couldn't keep up with, work, and so many other things. He is the unsung hero of the year.
It's been an interesting year. The path was hard, but through it all, God has been good to us. We saw His faithfulness to us in so many ways. I'm grateful for all the things He has brought into my life over the past year or so, and for the lessons I've learned. But I'm not volunteering for anymore hard times =)
It's such a beautiful day today. The dogwood tree outside of my back window has beautiful red leaves, and sky is a bright blue. It's the kind of sights that make you glad to be alive.
All has not been bad since my last posting. Last July, Jesse and Kathy had a precious baby boy. Jeremiah Daniel Shaffer by name, and he came into the world with a head full of beautiful black hair just like his daddy did before him. He is the good that came into our family just as I finished my last round of chemo. We love him so much! Savanna is a good big sister and loves him dearly. Speaking of Savanna, she has grown into such a sweet little girl (no longer a baby). One of my favorite things in the world is to hear the back door open and a sweet little voice call out "nanny, nanny".
Rebekah has good news of her own. She met a nice young man a while back, and over the course of time they fell in love and are now engaged. His name is Joe Patterson, and he fits into the family very nicely indeed. They are planning a spring wedding.
Khy is growing like a weed. He is talking so plain now, and is at a really fun age. I love to hear him call me granma. He's into dragons right now, and there is always a dragon about the house, just waiting to be chased or hidden from.
Speaking of growing, Ben has been taller than me by a foot for a long time. He's growing into a fine young man, and I'm proud of him. He has been my protector over the past year, often lingering behind the others and walking with me, offering his help and just making sure that I am ok. He still doesn't like my chickens, though.
Sara has blossemed into a beautiful young lady. She is taking a cooking class with a dear friend, and has turned into a better cook than her mama.
Rachel is still as creative as ever. She works for Sephora and does some photography on the side. She has such a God-given eye for seeing the beauty in every day things.
Eric has been my rock and strength during the past year or so. They say it's hard on the patient, but I think it's harder on the caregiver. He had to take care of me, take care of the responsiblities I couldn't keep up with, work, and so many other things. He is the unsung hero of the year.
It's been an interesting year. The path was hard, but through it all, God has been good to us. We saw His faithfulness to us in so many ways. I'm grateful for all the things He has brought into my life over the past year or so, and for the lessons I've learned. But I'm not volunteering for anymore hard times =)
It's such a beautiful day today. The dogwood tree outside of my back window has beautiful red leaves, and sky is a bright blue. It's the kind of sights that make you glad to be alive.
Friday, March 11, 2011
A New Beginning
Wow! It's been months since I last posted. Earl's death was so unexpected, and it took it's toll emotionally. Before I knew it, we were hard into the holidays. It became easy to put off writing - and months later here we are. I've written some wonderful posts in my mind, but never got around to actually writing it down. Starting today, I want to begin anew. At the moment I'm watching the news coverage of the Japanese earthquake and tsuamia. Life changes in a moment - it's important to always be ready to meet our God.
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