Of Gardens and Bees

I've almost got the garden all planted. Just a very small section needs to be tilled, then comes the final push to get all the spring "crops" planted. My plans grow in grandeur with each trip to the garden section, and I find myself wanting to till up more and more of the yard. I felt it again this spring, and I'm determined to use a more intensive planting method to maximize my yields instead of nagging the life out of my hubby.

Next year, I hope to expand my raised beds and lasagna garden beds, making yearly tilling unnecessary. I wish I had the energy needed to run a market garden. I think it is something I'd really enjoy. I'm not so sure I'd enjoy farmer's markets, though, where we all sit in our little corners selling the same things for the same price. Instead, I envision a small shop where loyal customers could drop by and purchase their produce...much like the Mennonite stands I loved so much in Maryland. Sometimes I think I'm trying to recreate that little slice of Maryland. It's one of the things I fell in love with while living there.

Recreating...that's what I'm trying to do...recreate a time and feeling that I loved. It's more than a market garden. It's more than homemade breads and jams, and the homey crafts. It's a feeling. There are many things I love about living in the south again, but I will forever miss this aspect of life that I felt in Maryland, and Ohio (where my in-laws lived for many years), and Pennsylvania. Is it the Amish influence? Is it small town Americana. I don't know how to describe it. Maybe it's more a time than a place that I'm looking for...a time of young children and innocence and problems that only seemed big at the time. I just hope that in all my efforts to recreate, I don't forget to live in the here and now. I'm more of a project girl than a people girl. I use my projects to reach out to people, but I'm afraid that it looks more like I use projects to avoid people. But enough philosophical ramblings.

My next big challenge to avoid will be bee-keeping. For some reason, it is appealing to me more this spring. I thought I could avoid it, seeing as I thought I'd have to shop for equipment online. But yesterday, I found bee-keeping equipment for sale in a local store, right down to the hives themselves. This will make avoiding it hard, because I know I can walk right into that store and buy what I need on a whim. My children are against it, and I think I might kill my hubby if I don't stop coming up with more and more homesteading stuff to do. Restraint is the word for the day when it comes to bee-keeping. Maybe I'll just buy a book about it =)

Four Years Ago

It's been four years since the April 27th tornado outbreak. To be truthful, I had forgotten until later in the day when I saw some fb posts about it. Four years. So much has changed in four years.

Four years ago, Ben was taking classes from Amy. They were supposed to meet for classes that day, but we cancelled when the first round of storms came through. Today, it was Sara who was in class with Amy, and today's weather couldn't have been  nicer.

In the last four years:
Jeremiah was born.
Rebekah was married.
Rachel left home.
Ben and Sara entered high school.
I had cancer twice.
Daddy died.
And that is only a partial list.

It's hard to believe. Four years ago, cancer wasn't even on my radar screen. I probably had it growing inside me, but I didn't know it.
Four years ago, I "casually" called mom to talk on this day, because I wasn't sure how the day would end. I remember talking to her when I heard that a tornado was on the ground and headed my direction. For the first time in a long time, a storm had me scared. I didn't know what to do...but I had talked to my mama - just in case.
Four years ago, after the storms had done their worst and we were trying to get in touch with everyone, we couldn't call each other in town. We could call Memphis, and mom and dad could call the others and relay info. Mom and Dad to the rescue, as always.
Four years ago, I could talk to my daddy. I'll not do that again.
Four years ago, I could not see how things would play out. I was caught completely off-guard.

I'm not going to lie. The last few years have been the hardest of my life. I had a cluster of completely heart breaking things happen, each was enough to break my heart by itself, but the events kept piling on one after another. I'm not the only one to experience such a period of time. I think it must come to everyone. But I thought I'd get by without having to go through it. For a while, I cried and cried. Then I learned not to cry.

I'm focusing on the sad as I write. Much good has come in the same time period. and I'm in a happy place now. It has been good for me to walk through these fires that have purged my soul and shown me my own shortcomings. The important thing, I think, is you just don't know how a day is going to end. And that's one lesson I learned four years ago, today.

Voice

I've lost my "voice". When I began blogging years ago, it was easy. It was an outlet in a crazy season of life. When I first entered that season, it wasn't so hard, but then the years went on, and life got harder rather than easier. I held so much inside, and finally ended up with breast cancer. I believe cancer in general, and more specifically breast cancer, is the body's response to too much stress. And suppressed stress is the worst.

I enjoy writing, and connecting with folks through the written word in a way I find difficult by simply talking. Friends have encouraged me to blog. It doesn't come easily anymore. In trying to find my "niche" in the blogosphere, I've lost my "voice", and I'm trying too hard to find it. On another site, I have started writing again, and posting to fb when a post is complete. That feels so vain. So I will begin again, quietly and without trying to attract attention, to write on this site again.

Are there ever days when you have "opinions" about everything. Yesterday was a day like that for me. I woke up, and felt pushed all day long. I felt disappointed - not about the day's activities, some of which I was really looking forward to, but about events in life that had disappointed me to my core. Sometimes I don't think I'll ever get over the disappointments (or the surprise at how things turned out). I was a true believer that if you did x then y would be the result. But there were other variables that I did not take into account.

Now, overall, my life has been good. I'm not complaining, really. I'm just trying to work out the disappointments so that they do not continually come back to haunt me. One thing I have learned along the way is that everyone has these disappointments, even those who choose to keep quiet and hide them from the world. Everyone has a story, and all good stories have problems and troubles that must be overcome. Otherwise, it wouldn't be a true story, and reading it would be boring.

I love to read, but I'm not much of a fiction reader (something that needs to change). One book that I read recently is Epic, by John Eldridge. He points out that all our human stories follow a divine pattern. The master story, the one that God is writing, is one that starts out well, but has a villain and trouble enter the picture. There is struggle and heartache, but the story will resolve with the triumph of the hero (Christ). I found that a very enlightening way to look at life. And after reading it, I began to see stories everywhere.

If I succeed in finding my "voice", it will be in looking at not only my story, but the stories that surround me.

An explanation

Some time ago, in a fit of self-consciousness, I pulled a number of posting off-line and stored them in my drafts. Today I republished many of them. It leaves a confused list of posts that are no longer in order or posted with their proper dates. I want to return to blogging. Forgive the confusion while I try to relearn this program and begin again.

This past week has been a full one. I decided to take my two youngest children to Vacation Bible School at Madison Baptist Church. Our church does not do a VBS, and the churches in my immediate area use purchased programs which are nice, but a little too contemporary for my liking (OK - alot too contemporary, but I hold my nose and let them go anyways). The VBS put on by Madison is similar to the ones we did in our Maryland church. Although the church is a 45 min. drive from my home, I wanted to take them one last time (they age out this year). Because of the distance, I stay in town when we do this. This year was a little different, because we have more employed drivers than cars at the moment, so we had to do some juggling to make sure everyone was where they needed to be at the right time, and no one got stuck in town for a long time after they were off work. This was also a week when both I and my youngest son had our new patient doctor's appointments, conventially scheduled for 3pm. So, after bible school, we would go home for lunch, and to drop off whoever did not need to go back into town. Then I (and whoever needed to go) would leave the house to drive back to Madison to pick up whoever was getting off at two, then we would drive into Huntsville, where we were dropped off at the doctor's and the employee of the day would get to take my car and go home. Eric would meet us at the doctor's and take us home. One day during the week, Sara lost a filling in one of her teeth. This gave us the "opportunity" go to the dentist after VBS. That day we left my car with Rachel at Chick-fil-a, and I took the van and had to come back to pick Eric up. It was just a crazy, crazy week.

While we were at the dentist, he asked about our water - was it city or well water? Why well water, of course. Apparently, this is not a good thing in our dentist's mind, because he gave me a perscription for a strong flouride toothpaste. I like knowing that we were not getting flouride or other additives in our water, but I probably will get the toothpaste. I am not a militant anti-flouride type person. I think, used in moderation, it probably does improve tooth strength. To tell the truth, I just don't have a strong opinion on the matter.

It is a good thing that I do not have to earn my keep by my computer skills. I have spent almost an hour trying to upload photos to this blog. As you can see, I am unsuccessful. It just means that I will have to get someone to show me what to do (again). But I will master this.

Eric and I recently went to the Discover Awana conference just outside of Chicago. This was really a nice trip, and one I was glad to be able to take. The conference covered so many different topics. Eric was able to focus on what's new for the T & T program while my thoughts were more personal. Awana is very focused on their goal of reaching children with the gospel, therefore, everything they do is intentional. My take away, at least in part, is to develop an intentional attitude. What is it that I "intend" to accomplish, and how do I do it?

Eric and I spent the last week at the AWANA headquarters attending the Discover Awana conference. We arrived last Saturday, and left there yesterday (Wednesday afternoon). I have to say that the whole trip was wonderful. The folks at Awana were first rate, and we were treated very well. The days were full, and we learned so much that it will be hard to retain it.


These are a couple of photos that I took while at the headquarters.

On Sunday afternoon our hosts took us to downtown Chicago. This is me standing on Navy Pier with the Chicago skyline in the background. I caught Eric off guard with this picture as we were going into one of the shops

There are events that mark our lives such as 911. Who doesn't remember where they were and what they were doing when they received the news? Yesterday morning was one of those mornings for me. A dear friend of our family died suddenly. I have much to say about this, but no time at present. I just wanted to say that our perspective on life can change suddenly, and the most important thing is to make sure that we show those we love that we love them while we have the moment.

Christmas Reflections

My family says this has been one of the best Christmas days they can remember. I'm not sure why....it has been one of the simplier ones. The days leading up to today felt like a race against time. We had the usual obligations - school, work, and church. Then there was the extra's - extra play practices, the plays themselves, Christmas parties, shopping and the best part - sickness. As far as gifts are concerned, we didn't have the resources to make it as extravagant as we would have liked. There wasn't time to bake all the traditional goodies - most went unmade. There is a gingerbread house baked, but not put together. In years past, I would have gone into a frenzy to make it all happen, but not this year. There comes a time when all you can do is all you can do, and it becomes enough. I think the simplicity is what made it good.

We woke up to a surprise - a white Christmas. I think that is another part of what makes today special. We moved to Alabama over five years ago, and have been sadly disappointed by promises of snow only to have slight dustings which melted away within minutes of falling. But today we had almost three inches of snow - and it's still around - and it's still snowing. Almost unbelievable.

Fall!! This is my favorite season of the year. I think it is because I love the colors of the autumn - the browns, oranges, yellows, reds and even the deep purples of the leaves and the bright blueness of a crisp fall day. I love the smell of bonfires and burning fall leaves. The crispness of the air is so refreshing. At this time of the year I love to wrap myself up in a blanket and lay on the trampoline to watch the stars as they come out. Even the stars are more beautiful in fall.

Since I last wrote my little granddaughter Savanna was born. She came into the world on October 7t h. She is beautiful and we love her beyond words. I am excited, because tonight will be the first night she comes to visit her grandma and papa's home. I'll have her little cradle ready, and I'm sure all the aunts, and uncle and grandparents will have cameras trained on her. I promise I will post pictures someday. I have tried in recent posts, but I am doing something wrong.

Today found me in another philosophical mood. Our family has suffered hurt. Not that this is unique. It would be unique to find someone untouched by pain. Most of the time I just move on and don't dwell on how things are and how things might have been. But sometimes I indulge in a little "self-righteous indignation" when I think of the responses of only a handful of people. It is not anyone where I currently live, for everyone here has been wonderful and supportive. It is people from the past who are quick to judge a situation and find the "obvious" causes and the "easy" solutions. The quick response to this is to say that such folks are not worth worrying about. But really, how do you handle the rejection of friends whose company you've enjoyed and whose friendship you cherished and would have counted as unbreakable. David expressed something of what I feel when he said "If it was an enemy who reproached me, I could've borne it. But it was you, my equal, my friend. We walked into the house of God together." This isn't an exact quote, just a quick paraphrasing. I could have borne this if it had been an enemy.

I was thinking about all this while getting my day started. I thought of how I'd like to ask these folks how they would respond if given the same set of circumstances. I wanted to fill in the gaps of their knowledge and show them how much they don't know and how foolish their judgments have been. But then I thought of others whose stories I have come to know. I see the courage and bravery they show. I see the compassion that comes from the ones whose lives have also been touched by sorrow. Then I realized that no one comes through life unscathed. The hard times in life are necessary. The secret is in how we handle them. Hard things will do one of two things. They will make us bitter, or they will make us better. I pray that I, and my family, will come out of this better.

I

Bucket List for 2013

Sewing

Put together and make quilts with the two quilt tops I have finished.
Make 2 or 3 aprons
Make a sundress for my granddaughter Savanna, and shorts for my grandsons Jeremiah and Khy.

Gardening

Plan garden layout.
Build 4 x 8 raised bed boxes
Start seedlings indoors
Put up supports for my grape vines
Plant more blueberries and grapes
Fertilize and tend to fruit trees - pull out diseased trees
Perhaps plant 2 plum and 2 apple trees


Canning/freezing foods

Freeze blueberries, blackberries, and strawberries
Make jams
Put other foods as needed
Make a shelf for canned goods
Make a small batch of homemade sauerkraut (just to say I can)


Health

Get diabetes education and learn how to get this under control
Lose weight and begin an exercise program (critical for regaining health)


Wedding

Rebekah is getting married in April. Much to plan for there.


Move Ben into Becka's room and convert his room into a craft room

Wow, I'm tired already and I haven't reached school goals or the fun stuff.

How do you start writing in your blog when you've skipped so many weeks? I'm not sure. Nevertheless, I intend to start again and will just plunge right in. I have been busy with homeschooling my two youngest children. So far so good. The main problem I have is that these two are so very different in how they learn....but we're working our way through it. Rebekah and Rachel are both in college and working, so they stay busy. I am so glad that I am able to keep Khy while his mama is in school. He is a such a good little baby. Jesse and Kathy are days away from becoming parents, and I will have my first granddaughter. I can't wait for little Savannah to be born. It's funny to think of my children as parents, and Eric and I as grandparents. It's a good thing, and I love it. Eric is doing well, keeping busy with work and keeping up our home and land. He loves to play his bass, and has had the opportunity to play a couple of times in the last few weeks.

I have been sorting through things in the house and taking things to the thrift store. We have so much more than we need, and I am determined to get things back to a workable level. It is so wonderful to have my energy level back up. I can get so much more done. It's a good thing.

This year's garden was the worst I have ever had. I never finished planting it, and didn't work it at all. It is really humbling. I had planned the garden out to the exact detail last fall, and spent the winter bragging about how good it would be. I spent a fortune setting up the black plastic and buying seed and seedlings. I worked really hard to get it planted, until I got so sick in the spring (three weeks down hard - some days not even able to get up and do anything more than the bare minimum). I lost heart. But hope springs eternal, and I find myself looking forward to a better year next year. A week ago I stopped by Lowes and discovered blueberry bushes for sale. I want to buy a couple to replace the bushes Jesse planted for me last spring. They died in the summer heat.

The chickens are grown now and laying eggs. Sara is my egg gatherer. She loves it. My flock has dwindled. I had one die while they were still in the garage. Four more have died in the yard. A couple in the last week. We think an owl got them. Eric reworked the chicken run, so we hope to save the lives of the remaining birds. I will buy pullets again next spring.

Old fashioned day is coming up quickly. I am beginning to think I may not get the prairie dresses made after all. I guess I just have to decide to do it. I'm trying to do too many things I guess - again going back to having energy again.

Well, this is enough for tonight. Nothing outstanding, but it is a start. Hopefully there will not be such a long time in between postings from now on.

A Return

Once again, I have let months pass without posting an update. Mostly because I am too unwilling to take the time to compose a well-written article. I've poured my heart out on facebook, but that takes moments, and the feedback is immediate and satisfying. I am, however, making another attempt at keeping this blog going.
So what's been going on in my life? Just a quick overview tonight (it is late, and I will want to try to get back to sleep soon).

A wedding - Rebekah and Joe got married in April. It was a wonderful affair, and I cannot think of it without joy. I miss Rebekah and Khy, but I am filled with joy as I see them in their new life. It's a good thing.

Rachel moves out - bittersweet. I miss my girl, but I'm proud of the apartment she has put together and her work ethic that leads her to constantly try to improve her life.

Ben moves into Rachel's old room - We redid the room in bold colors - red, black, white and gray. I'd found the color scheme on-line, and really liked it for the colors he had picked out. When it was done, we realized it was the Alabama colors. Good thing he's an Alabama fan. We painted his furniture black, and put a lot of detail work into it. Some things you're just glad you were able to do. His room is one of those things. He loves it, and more importantly, he appreciates it and keeps it looking good.

We got to reclaim the sun room - The sun room is my sitting room. It was painted a light peachy/tan color, and blue valances were put on the window. It has the computer table in it, along with three book shelves and a large blue chair. Very peaceful and satisfying.

Rebekah's old room was claimed as a guest room/chemo recovery room. It was painted brown, and has a full size four poster bed. An antique Singer sewing machine sits in there, as does another antique table and a not so antique rocking chair. Eric was very gracious to me...it was to be his office.

And the big return - my cancer. A five centimeter tumor was removed in May. I'm taking four rounds of ixempra, and then will have seven weeks of radiation. This is not a good thing, but somehow I am not down hearted about it. I'll do what I have to do to get well, and enjoy life while I have it. In one way, cancer is a good thing. It puts life in perspective.

So we are up-to-date. I'll do my best to keep this going. No promises.

A Little of This and That

I have to smile when I read my last post. That was written at the beginning of a stretch of rainy weather than wore even the hardiest souls down. I feel certain that it rained for at least 10 days in a row. That's not so bad in itself, but here in the heart of Dixie we don't have real dirt. A nasty red clay covers the ground masquerading as dirt. Most of the time it's tolerable. But when it rains and rains and rains, the clay turns into a sloppy, nasty, squishy mess. Even that is not so bad, unless you have as many drivers as we do. We have more cars than driveway, and we park in our yard. I know that makes us sound like a neighbor you want to avoid, but we live out in the middle of a field with only one family to view our parking habits, and they don't mind. But back to my story. When it rains for days on end, our yard turns into a lake/swamp and parking in the yard is not a smart idea. During those times we HAVE to find a way to make all the cars and our fifteen passenger van fit into the driveway...and it works for the most part. Making it work, however, makes me grumpy. I'm glad the rain finally ended.

Eric's birthday was last Wednesday, but we celebrated it Sunday afternoon so most of the family could be here. I love having everyone over! We had lasagna, garlic bread sticks, and salad for lunch. Sara made a chocolate sponge cake which turned out very well. I love it when Jesse and his family come over. Savanna comes in and excitedly runs to whoever she sees first, calling out "nanny" or "poppie" depending on who it is. She'll jump up into our arms and kiss us....makes life worthwhile. Later we played a trick on mommie, hiding under a blanket so she wouldn't see us. Savanna just laughed and laughed as mommie looked for us and couldn't find us =) Jeremiah has grown so much since Christmas, and he has a smile that lights up the room. It won't be much longer before he joins Savanna and Khy in their play. It's good to be a grandma.

We are getting into serious wedding planning. Saturday, Rebekah and I went shopping for wedding supplies. We were able to buy the guest book, invitations and flowers for the bridesmaid bouquets for 50% off. Her colors are royal blue and yellow, and she was able to find artificial roses in a lighter blue and yellow color. She made the bouquets last night, and I must say they look very nice. There is still so much to do...but it will all come together. I'm getting excited. But I will miss Rebekah  and Khy very much. Maybe Joe could just move in with us after they are married =)

I'm not making a dent in my bucket list. It's so easy to sit and rattle off a list of grand ideas, but the day to day effort needed to make it happen is a little harder. I started working on my 4 x 8 garden boxes before the rain began, and I haven't touched them since. I've thought about bringing them into the house to finish painting. It's time to start plants indoors, and I haven't started that either. All in good time, I guess. It will be no great tragedy if I don't get it done, and not getting a wedding pulled together will be. I don't think I even put the wedding on my bucket list. Silly me.

A Rainy Day's Reflections

Rainy days set their own moods, and today was a deliciously rainy one. It was just gray and gloomy enough to enhance a melancholy mood. I don't mean a sad and gloomy one, but rather one serious and reflective. I make much of wishing that I had a bubbly personality, but, to tell the truth, I like my temperment. I like to think deeply and to feel empathy and to try to discern the meaning of things. Add a few sad songs to the mix, and I am in a heaven of soulful contemplation that satisfies to the depth of my being. Unfortunately, this is not the sort of thing that makes one the life of the party. But that's ok.

Earlier I was listening to a song about a man who left his father's farm while young, and was looking back at all that happened after that decision. One part of the song says:

      "Life was changing around us, I thought I had to follow too, but I'd sure make a world of changes, if I had it all again to do."

I latched onto the part "I'd sure make a world of changes, if I had it all again to do." I would make a lot of changes in life if I could. It's tempting to write a list of things I would change, but I'm not going to. You see, each time this particular song puts me into this mood, I come away with a different list. I guess that's why we don't have the option of having a do-over in life. We'd forever be living in the past and forgetting to live in the present.

When I think about my life, I realize I haven't done everything right. There are deep feelings of guilt and failure when I look back. It doesn't have to be that way. I gave all I had to being the right kind of wife, mom, daughter, and friend. I wasn't perfect, but I did try to live a life of integrity and honor. And by simply changing my focus, I can see all the good and wonderful things in life. A strong and happy marriage, wonderful children and grandchildren, faith in a loving Lord and Savior and a second chance after cancer to make a positive difference in the lives of others. These are all good things, and I will not allow feelings of guilt and failure dominate my thinking any longer. And THAT is the satisfying conclusion to a delicously rainy day's reflections.

School's back in session in the Shaffer household. It's hard to get into a routine, and more so when you aren't quite ready for it. I seldom feel ready for anything, and I think it's because I want to do everything, and thus do nothing. I've made many resolutions to solve this character flaw, but they never worked, and I'm getting old. I think this will be the story of my life.

I promised a bucket list, and I have worked on compiling one. Here is the short list of things I want to do this year.

Appearance

I want to wear more skirts, and, dare I say it, I want to wear the dreaded jumper. Not all the time, but sometimes. There's more to life than jeans.

I have to decide about hair length. With one exception, I've kept my hair shoulder length or longer all my life. Of course, with chemo, I lost my hair. It was hard at first, but you grow accustomed to being bald. Grooming is so much easier without hair =). Now that it's growing back I find that I like the way it looks in a shorter style. I may keep it short.


Health

Cancer - don't want to give it an opportunity to come back by living an unhealthy lifestyle.
Diabetes - my next big challenge.
Weight loss, exercise, applying all I know about healthy diet.
Keeping my mental outlook positive. I believe I made myself sick with worry and grief, and giving in to sorrow did nothing to improve any of the things that worried. me.


Christian Ministry

I find as I grow older that I regret not getting involved in ministry. To be sure, I've been faithful in church attendance, and I've kept my own soul fed. But I've not poured myself into the lives of others. I want to serve. I want to make a difference.


Homesteading

I have to smile at this. I don't really have a "homestead", but I like to do homesteady type things, just to say I did. I would never try to live a true homesteading lifestyle (too citified I guess). So, here goes:

Sewing: finish the two quilts I have started - perhaps start another one; make a sundress for my granddaughter Savanna, and shorts for my grandsons Jeremiah and Khy; make one or more aprons.

Canning: put up food from the garden; buy or make a shelf for my canned goods; make homemade sauerkraut -  just to say I did it.

Gardening: build, paint and put in six 4 x 8 raised bed boxes; plant blueberries, put in trellis for grapes, start some seedling inside

Orchard: keep up with the spraying schedule; fertilize peach trees; perhaps plant two plum trees, and two apple trees. Or perhaps just learn to be content buying fruit from Scott's orchard.

Kitchen: make bread on a more regular basis; make cheese (at least once, just to say I did it).

General: dip candles - again, just to say I did it; make soap - I've done this before, and would like to perfect it.


Homeschooling

Take a good look at where we are and where we want to go. I've homeschooled most of my life. I have to say I'm ready for a break. But I don't have much longer to go. I'd like to finish well.


Writing

This is what I want most to do (along with ministry), and it is the one thing that frightens me the most. I believe I could do a good job, if only I had some inspiration.


Well, that's enough to keep anyone busy, and it just scratches the surface. Most of these things I "resolve" to do with each new year. I just keep plugging away at the same old things, hoping someday to have finished the list and perfected my skills. One thing is sure, while my friends have moved on and developed new skills and interests, I remain the same.

New Year's Eve

Ah, the final day of 2012. It doesn't seem like it should be here already. Not that this past year wasn't long enough. Trust me, it was the longest year of my life. It just doesn't seem like the holiday season should be over quite yet. New Year's signals a new beginning, and I still have the ghost of Christmas past to put away. I haven't finalized my resolutions. I am most definitely not ready to begin teaching again. So, I will be taking the rest of this week to recuperate and get things ready for an orderly beginning of the year.

Today I will begin by taking down the white Christmas tree. I keep it in the bay window of our dining room. Since this is the primary room where my life takes place, getting it back in order will be a big step to normalizing our lives. The kitchen needs attention as well, so I'll piddle around it there as well. Tonight we've been invited to a friend's home to bring in the New Year. Looks like it will be a good day.

I'm looking forward to writing out my "bucket list" (thanks to Sarah L. for getting me hooked on that phrase). So far I only have a few vague ideas and one very definite goal to record. It feels selfish to think about what I want to do for myself, but I think it will be an important step towards getting well.

A couple of weeks ago I picked up a journal called "The Book of ME: A Do-it-Yourself Memoir". It intrigued me as I flipped through it's pages. It asks questions about your life and likes and forces you to stop and think through the things that have made you who you are. I must admit, I am a little afraid to start writing in it. For one thing, my melancholy nature will demand that I keep it neat, and it's not designed to be neat. Second, I'm not comfortable with answering some of these questions. But it will be a good exercise, and should leave something behind for my children to understand who their mom really was.

A Time to Reflect

The holiday season begins in earnest with Halloween, and finally starts to wind down with the week leading up to New Year's Day. I know that I am not the only one to grow reflective during this final week of the year, and it seems a little too predictable to write about these reflections. But things are what they are, and I am going to do a little reflective thinking, and a little looking ahead.

When I had a friend help set up this blog, I imagined it would be for random posting about life on the Shaffer "farmstead". I imagined photos of home projects and interesting and "normal" postings about an uneventful and untroubled life. Instead, these past few years have been the hardest years of my life. My heart has been broken time and time again, and I have watched as the hopes and dreams of my young life have shriveled up and died. Thousands upon thousand of tears have been shed. Prayers have been frequently and fervently lifted up. Through most of this testing time, my faith has remained strong and even grown deeply. But, on occasion, it is shaken. I am in a shaky phase right now. While I fully expect to come out of this stronger than ever, walking through a shaky time is not fun. I guess I am just impatient to see the answer to prayers, and when the answers don't come as quickly as I'd like...well, it's hard.

If I had to define this past year in one word it would be Cancer. I'm still not ready to write about the cancer. I mean, really, what can I say that isn't true for all cancer patients? And there are so many whose stories are more compelling than mine. The only thing I am prepared to say is that cancer is not a disease in itself, but rather a symptom. In my case, it was caused by a sickness of the soul. I simply failed to place my full trust in the Lord. Instead, I leaned on my own understanding. Instead of letting go of my disappointments, I dwelt on them and made them much bigger in my mind than they were in life. I made myself sick.

As I am coming out of this season in my life, the question is: what will I do with the lessons it has taught? How will I respond? My hopes and dreams are still "dead", and my heartaches still real. Life will never be what I'd hoped it would be...it cannot be. But that does not mean that all is lost. It doesn't even mean that life is bad. It's just different than what I had expected. Beauty rises out of ashes. Many times, the good that comes from shattered dreams is better than the original dream.

So, my determination for the new year is to go back to the hopes I had when I began this blog. I want to write in it faithfully. I want to include the day to day events of life - the happy and the not-so-happy. I want to read more, write more, laugh more, live more, and worry less. I want to live out my faith. I want to win people to the kingdom of Christ. I want to make an eternal difference in the lives of others. My failures in this department thus far leave me feeling unqualified. But I cannot give into that feeling - it is feelings like that which led to my cancer.

In the days to come, I hope to post a "bucket list". My "dreams" are still taking shape - many of them old ones that I had given up. So bear with me as I wander through this season of life. One thing I will say...whenever I do stop to write, it's melancholy and "preachy", and that's no fun for anyone to read. I'll try to do better....but to do so would be to change my nature completely. I'd like to do that sometimes, but I think it will be as easy to do that as it would be for a tiger to change his stripes.

A Snapshot in Time

Halloween has come and gone, and with it's passing there is a small sigh of relief before the
madness that accompanies the Christmas season begins. I, for one, refuse to decorate for Christmas before Thanksgiving. Each year it seems that people rush the holidays a little more. It's like we try adding so much to them that we have to make the celebrations last a lot longer than they did in former years. I guess I'm getting old, but I want to let each one have it's own true time.

We were able to have two of my children's friends spend a few days with us this past week. Family friends who have moved to the Dominican Republic as missionaries came home for their oldest daughter's wedding. My Ben and Sara were delighted to be able to visit with their Ben and Heidi (yes, it does get a little confusing with two Bens in the house =). They were able to hang out with each other for Old Fashioned Sunday, the Shaffer family Halloween shindig, a late night movie date to see Brave (now in the dollar theatres), trunk or treat at my husband's office, and trunk or treat at Friendship Baptist. They even got to squeeze in some normal hang around the house and be bored moments too. I'm so glad they got to come.

I had my first three month appointment with Dr. Kingsley (affectionately known as chemo doc). Everything looks good. I'm feeling better all the time, and I guess I'm looking better too. At least folks say I am. For my part, I am always surprised to see myself in photos. My hair, which looks to full in the mirror, seems to scare in photos...it's all a part of the journey of cancer.

We had our family Halloween Sunday evening (no church scheduled that night). It was fun, but hectic. Burritos were served, candy was goobled up, and an attempt at watching the Ghost and Mr. Chicken was made. Pumpkins were carved, and photos posted on fb. Jesse and Kathy won the "contest" for best pumpkin, and Joe came in second. It was silly, but fun.

I'm going to attempt to post a few photos from this week. Hope it works =)
Nope, can't do it until I have someone smarter than me show me how. Sigh.